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- The secretive, radical feminist mafia that calls itself “The Cliterati” have reportedly threatened to begin seducing ICE agents and cutting off their penises to collect “like scalps.”
- During the point at which all of Trump’s cabinet secretaries give 90-second spiels on how successful and energetic he is in their meetings, Trump fell asleep today and he audibly farted several times as they awkwardly continued praising him anyway.
- Trump is reportedly begging his doctors to save his necrotizing feet so that people don’t start calling him “Donald Stump.”
- Merrick Garland reportedly thinks he could have moved “a little faster” investigating and prosecuting Donald Trump during the four years he was out of office.
- Trump reportedly asked his lawyers today if they think he’s done a good job of making himself look innocent amidst the Epstein allegations.
- Trump is reportedly asking his advisers if it would make him guilty if he pardoned himself for sex-trafficking and pedophilia.
- Trump is reportedly refusing to sue South Park for claiming he has a micropenis because he doesn’t want to allow the lawyers of Trey Parker and Matt Stone to see his penis in the inevitable discovery phase of the litigation.
- After ICE’s killing of a Minneapolis woman, protesters are reportedly planning on dumping environmentally friendly glitter all over agents so everyone knows who they are when they take off their little masks and tell women on dates, “I don’t care about politics.”
- Local ICE agent with a Nazi “SS” tattoo says he can’t help but notice no one ever wants to talk about his Snoopy tattoo.
- The conservative Freedom Network’s upcoming show “Christian Tradwives” has stopped production because two of its main stars have begun a lesbian romance.
- Blue cities are reportedly directing police to begin detaining any mask-wearing ICE agents immediately, and, if they have no identification as ICE visible, they’ll be arrested.
- Dozens of grandmas in Minneapolis have reportedly been stalking ICE agents back to their hotels tonight yelling all the way, “Shame on you, young men! You know better! Shame!”
- Kristi Noem says she didn’t blatantly lie about the videos of the ICE murder in Minneapolis, it’s just that her latest botox injections migrated from her cheeks to her eyes and she can’t see very clearly.
- Top Trump Administration officials have reportedly been speculating for months that Botox might have migrated into Kristi Noem’s brain.
- A van full of ICE agents reportedly gave themselves carbon monoxide poisoning by idling too long in a garage while waiting for protesters to leave.
- Republicans in Congress say if more CEOs or billionaires get shot they might finally have to seriously consider some gun control.
- Trump Administration officials are reportedly have daily “Epstein meetings” each morning to review all of Trump’s statements and excuses about Epstein so they can strategize on how to avoid making it more obvious Trump participated in the sex-trafficking.
- A new study found that the number one predictor of whether a man will be arrested for possessing child pornography is if he said publicly that he voted for Donald Trump to release all the Epstein Files.
- A televangelist from West Virginia claims Satan has engineered Taylor Swift’s relationship with football star Travis Kelce so Swift can give birth to the antichrist and ignite the apocalyptic thousand-year war against Christ.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
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